S4:E9 - Round Witch, Square Box - For the Woman Who's Never Quite Fitted in!

Have you always felt like the odd one out? You’ve watched other people effortlessly make friends, join conversations and seem completely at ease, whilst you’ve quietly wondered why you’ve never quite felt like you belonged. Maybe you’ve spent years trying to squeeze yourself into spaces that never truly felt like home, wearing different masks depending on who you were with, all whilst wondering why you still felt lonely even when surrounded by people.

In this deeply personal episode of the Witchy Woo Podcast, Kylie Anna explores why so many women carry the feeling of being different, from childhood experiences and masking, to the sister wound, spirituality and the Akashic Records. She shares her own story of never quite fitting in, along with the remarkable patterns she’s witnessed through years of Akashic Record readings, where women from all walks of life have shared the very same fears of being judged, misunderstood or never fully accepted.

Could it be that there’s nothing wrong with you at all? Could the very parts of yourself you’ve spent a lifetime trying to hide be the parts that were always meant to lead you home?

Whether you’ve always felt like an outsider, you’re navigating a spiritual awakening, you’re curious about the witch wound, or you’re simply tired of pretending to be somebody you’re not, this episode is a gentle reminder that belonging doesn’t come from changing who you are. It comes from finally having the courage to stop hiding her.

🎧 After listening, continue the journey with this episode’s accompanying Akashic Companion Journey, The Temple of Belonging, a guided meditation designed to help you reconnect with the version of yourself who has always known she belongs, in our Patreon Community.

If this conversation resonates with you, I’d love it if you subscribed, left a review and shared it with another woman who’s spent her life wondering why she never quite fitted in. You might just help her realise she’s never been alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:30

Hello, hello my lovelies, and welcome back to the Witchy Wii podcast. So in today's episode, it's been one that's been sitting on my heart for quite a long time because I have a feeling that if you found your way here, there's a really, really good chance that you have felt this way as well. And it's something that you perhaps don't feel all the time, like not every single day. Maybe nobody looking at your life would even know this. Maybe you've never even really voiced this or examined this within yourself. You know, you might have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and people around you that love you dearly, and yet every now and then there's this little creeping feeling that kind of tells you I don't belong here. And it's the strangest feeling because it isn't always loneliness. Sometimes it's standing in a room full of people and somehow still feeling like you're watching your life happening from the outside. And sometimes it's laughing at all the right moments, joining in with the conversation, smiling and looking like you're having a wonderful time, but actually secretly inside, feeling like everyone else has somehow been given a handbook on how to be human, and yours just got lost. And I know that feeling all too well because I have been there myself for years. I genuinely believed that there was just something different about me, and I couldn't understand how conversations seemed to flow so naturally for other people, you know. I'd watch them be able to chat effortlessly to different people, telling stories, making everyone laugh, and I'd be in awe of how easy it all seemed for them. And meanwhile, I would sit there and spend the entire conversation wondering when to speak, whether I'd said enough, whether I'd said too much, whether that joke had landed properly, or everyone secretly thought I was an absolute numpty, you know, and then I'd get home. And instead of forgetting about it, like I'm sure most people do, I would sit there and I'd replay every single conversation over and over again in my head. I'd analyse everything that I'd said, I'd convince myself that I'd sound stupid, I wonder why I mentioned that particular story, and I decide that I'd probably made a complete fool of myself. And that was just exhausting. And at the time, I honestly thought that everyone did it. I didn't think anything of the fact that I would have these little analytical debates with myself, feel this way, and then go home and analyse myself. And there have been so many times in my life where I have felt this. I, you know, right from very young, right from being at school, where, you know, you wouldn't necessarily know that I was feeling this way because I would have friends around me or people around me, but I would look at everyone else and they would seem to just be able to hold conversations and you know just life and converse and be social in ways that I always felt as though I had to put so much more effort in. And I also found that I would just be exhausted from being in those social situations, probably partly because the whole time I was actually being very selfish because I was sat there thinking about what I could say, worrying about am I gonna say the wrong thing? Am I gonna say something at the right time? All of those things going around in my head. So I wasn't properly enjoying myself and being in the moment, being in the experience, you know, being with those people who were talking because I was constantly in my head worrying about things. And I know that there have been a couple of occasions where I've said something and people have laughed, and I haven't meant it in a funny way, it's just me being, I don't know, me, I guess. And I think that added to the pressure, it kind of impacted it. And I built up this real thing about other people thinking that I was weird and other people not liking me, and I really feel like I spent most of my school years, most of my teenage years and young adulthood completely wearing different masks and moulding into these boxes that I thought other people wanted me to fit into. It's not even that they had said anything to me or kind of told me that that's how they want me to act, it's my perception of what I thought they wanted. But again, that's just exhausting to constantly wear these masks and try to be, you know, the person that you think people want you to be. And in my young adulthood, I really enjoyed alcohol and getting drunk because I think that was when more of my true self was able to come forward because it kind of gave me that confidence boost, it lowered down the inhibitions, I wasn't sat there thinking so much about what I was saying, what I was doing. I was just in the moment, I was just being, and I think I drank alcohol because it gave me that sense of not having to worry about what I was saying, about what I was doing, and it allowed me to drop that filter a little bit, and I'm not saying obviously, like I don't really drink now. I will have the occasional drink, but it's not something that I partake in a lot now, and that's kind of a different story. I really I had a real spiritual awakening when I stopped drinking alcohol and I actually did the work on me because the alcohol allowed me to avoid having to do that work because it kind of numbed the masks, numbed the pain a little bit. But in that moment, alcohol helped me to come into myself and to feel more me, I think. And I remember even after doing all the work, this was only like a few years ago now. I remember going to an event and I felt really quite triggered by something, and it made me realise that okay, so there is still that fear there, and I'm sure that that fear of standing out, the fear of being the weird one, is probably never gonna go. Most of the time now, I I embrace that, you know. I will call myself out for being a little weirdo because I want to allow every part of me to shine. But anyway, I remember going to this event and it was like a real tiny little thing that was inconsequential, you know, it really was nothing. But the event host asked us on an intake form to write down our favourite films, and he then said, Well, when we were all together, who do you think gave the weirdest option? And a couple of people turned to me and like, Kylie, it was you, wasn't it? And obviously, I laughed it. Oh, but I did I did find it funny at the moment that people would know it was me, and of course it was me. Um and then he outed me in front of them, saying, Yes, it was it was Kylie. She gave the weirdest answer, and it really brought me back to that child who didn't want to be the weird one and just wanted to be accepted, and just wanted to, I guess, feel the love from other people and not feel as though I stand out at all. But in that moment, I could really feel myself obviously going like bright red and feeling, oh my god, and I did laugh it off because it really was a nothing. And I'm, you know, he didn't mean anything by it. The people with me didn't mean anything by it, but it was my own inner triggers that set off that weird alarm bell, if you like. So, of course, we are all a work in progress, but you will notice those little things in yourself when little things like that come up for you. So, you know, when I look back now, I don't think that people ever really properly knew me. They just knew that version of me that I'd kind of carefully created, the version that I thought they would want to accept, the version that wouldn't rock the boat, the version that laughed at the right things and agreed with the right people and kept the parts of me that felt a bit too different tucked away. And I don't think that I consciously decided to do that. I think it happened so gradually that I didn't notice more and more of me being taken away. You know, every common, every awkward moment, every time I felt different. I just adjusted myself until eventually that mask felt so familiar that I forgot that I was wearing one. And the irony is I desperately wanted people to know me, but I wasn't actually showing them me. So how on earth I thought that they were going to be able to do that. I don't know. I was showing them the version that I hoped they would like, and when you do that for long enough, something really sad happens. You'll start believing that if people reject you, they're rejecting the real you when actually they have never met the real you. And that thought really does break my heart now because I wonder how many women are walking around carrying the exact same belief that I had. And the reason that this fascinates me so much is because over the years I've had the privilege of sitting with so many women through Akashic Records readings, through healing sessions, through circles, through you know, different ages, different countries, different jobs, different life experiences, different personalities, different stories, all of you know, all completely different walks of life. And yet, despite all of those differences, they kept saying the same thing to me. I've always felt different. I've never really fitted in. And if as I was saying them, you felt them, please know that you are not alone, not by a long shot in any of this. And after hearing these words so many times, I just couldn't ignore them. Because when one woman says she feels different, that is her story, that is part of her story. But when hundreds of women who've never met each other say exactly the same thing, that makes me really curious. And it made me wonder whether perhaps we aren't these broken things that we perhaps thought that we were, perhaps we're carrying something that's much, much older. And one of the things I've spoken about before that is that I really, really believe that our soul remembers. That is why I do the Akashic work that I do. It's why I look at the past lives that I do, because I have been able to heal myself, bring healing to so many women through the Akashic records, through the remembrance of their soul, the stories that they carry, the imprints from past lives that are still being carried around energetically. And through the Akashic Records, I've experienced lifetime after lifetime where I wasn't able to fully be who I truly was in public. I was shown myself as a healer, as a wise woman, as somebody who people sought out quietly, you know, behind closed doors, but never out in the open. And there was this constant thread that was running through those lifetimes of knowing that my gifts were welcome as long as they stayed hidden. And I'm sure as well that I've spoken about my evil witch past lifetime on here as well. Obviously, it not all my lifetimes are sunshine and rainbows, and I'm this really wonderful person. There are lifetimes where I act in not the best ways and perhaps don't make the best choices, and so of course, there's all of those that add to it as well for standing out. And but in most of these lifetimes, people would come to me because they needed healing, they'd come to me because they wanted answers, they'd come to me when they were frightened, but everything happened behind the scenes and quietly, it was in private and it was almost secret, or no, not almost, it was secret. And every time I experience another lifetime like that, I found myself asking the same question. What happens if you spend lifetime after lifetime learning that it's only safe to be the real you when no one else is watching? And for me, the answer seems perhaps surprisingly obvious, is that you become incredibly good at reading the room before you decide to reveal the true you. You instinctively work out who feels safe and who doesn't. You share a little piece of yourself, wait to see how it's received, and if it doesn't land well, you can quietly kind of tuck that part of yourself away again. And after a while it becomes so automatic that you don't even realize that you're doing it. This isn't a conscious thing anymore. It's the soul remembering that once upon a time, visibility came with consequences. And visibility, of course, comes with consequences, I believe, at any time. You know, visibility nowadays, if you think of celebrities, for instance, people that are in the public eye, that visibility can mean, you know, the paparazzi following them around, people wanting some of their energy, some of their time all the time, wanting photos, wanting autographs, you know, all of those things, that's what being visible means. So it's not just in the past, it is also in this lifetime as well. We're constantly shown how being visible takes something away from you. Now, whether you believe that visibility comes with consequences in the past because the soul carries memories through lifetimes, through the Akashic records, whether we inherit stories from the women who came before us, it gets passed down through our ancestors, or because our nervous systems are shaped by our experiences, or because of something else entirely. It's completely up to you. I'm not obviously here to tell you what to believe, but from my experience, what I've witnessed over and over again, both in my own journey and the journey of the women that I've had the privilege to work with in the Akashic Records, is that past lives play a huge part in who we are today, and our soul contracts for this lifetime are written based upon lessons that we've learned, future lessons that we want to learn from past lifetimes. So naturally, the energy rolls over from lifetime to lifetime until we really examine it and look at it in great detail and allow ourselves the freedom of being able to transmute that energy if we want to. One thing that I can say with absolute certainty is that the women who come to me don't say to me, I'm frightened of being a witch, or I'm scared someone will accuse me of heresy. Because, of course, that fear isn't quite the same. It doesn't look the same as it did hundreds of years ago. But what they do come to me and say is I'm worried that people will think I'm weird. I'm scared of putting myself out there. I know that I'm meant to do more, but something keeps holding me back. I don't trust women. I find it really hard to make close female friends. I feel like I have to be different depending on who I'm with. And when you really listen to those words, they're all telling a really familiar and similar story. It's the story of someone who's learned that belonging comes at a cost of authenticity. And I think that's one of the saddest, saddest stories and bargains that so many women unknowingly, unconsciously make. Because if the price of belonging is pretending to be someone that you're not, you'll spend your whole life surrounded by people whilst you're quietly wondering why you still feel lonely. And I also think this links so beautifully to the sister wound. Because if I'm honest, there have been periods in my life where I desperately wanted close female friendships, but I didn't fully trust women. And it's not because women had repeatedly let me down in this lifetime, although, like many of us, I have experienced friendships, you know, where there have been heartbreak, but it was because there was something much deeper that I couldn't quite put my finger on. And whenever I explored it in the Akashic Records, I was repeatedly shown lifetimes where being accepted by the women around me depended on behaving in ways that were considered acceptable. And if I stepped outside of those expectations, if my gifts became too visible or my beliefs became too different, the safety of the group could just instantly disappear overnight. In fact, the evil witch that I mentioned earlier, some of you will know the full story of my evil witch, some of you may not, but in a lifetime that I visited, I went back and I discovered that I was the first time I read there, I discovered that I was an evil witch. And I felt mortified, the things that I'd done were absolutely horrific, and I just I thought, oh my goodness, no wonder I've always thought that I'm such a bad person, but that is a completely different thing for different time. But in connecting with this past lifetime, I realised that what was one of the catalysts that set off this chain of terrible decision making in this past lifetime was being chucked out by her own coven, and that was within her coven where witchcraft magic was obviously practiced not openly in public but openly within the circle. They were meant to be able to be exactly who they were with each other because there wasn't the secret there of having to keep it quiet, witchcraft, because they knew each other were witches and they celebrated each other for that. But I was chucked out of the coven. And so, for me, a big part of my sister wound was that these people that I trusted that I loved turned on me and threw me out and they discarded me, like I was nothing. That's how I felt in that lifetime. So it's understandable how we could when I look at the patterns throughout this lifetime, the wanting to be safe, the wanting to not stand out, the wanting to not be chucked out of the pack, how it has gone through this lifetime as well. And when we go into the Akashic Records, whatever the details are about that lifetimes, the lesson that seemed to echo forwards was always remarkably similar, which is why I think I am destined. Part of my purpose is to help women with the witch wound with the sister wound. That is why I'm here. That's why it kept coming up in the Akashic Records for me. But the message that kept coming up for everyone was very similar. Be careful, don't let people see all of you, don't become too visible, don't make yourself a target. And does that mean that every difficult experience that we experience today is because of a past life? No, I don't believe that at all. Of course, we are having our human experiences now as well. You know, relationships are wonderfully complex, and there are so many reasons that we can struggle to trust, from childhood experiences to betrayals in adulthood. And everything in between. But I do find it fascinating that when I asked the records to show me where that fear has originated from for me and for my clients, they consistently take me back to those themes of hiding and masking and carefully deciding who it was that I could be, who it was that they could be, who it was safe for them to show up as. And perhaps that's why this season means so much to me, because every single episode has really been exploring one of those different masks. The woman who learned to stay small, the woman who became the strong one, the woman who craved conversations with more depth because surface level conversations never really satisfied her. The woman who believed that she was too sensitive. The woman who was terrified of her own potential. None of those women are separate from one another. They're all wearing different versions of the same armour. And I wonder whether the woman who has never quite felt like she fitted in is simply wearing another version of it too. Maybe she isn't looking for somewhere to fit. Maybe she's looking for somewhere she no longer feels the need to wear a mask because let's be honest, that's where the real magic is. And those two things are very, very different. And I believe that one of the greatest gifts that we can experience in any lifetime is to sit with someone and feel no pressure whatsoever to perform. No pressure to be funny, to be clever, to be calm, quiet, more spiritual, less spiritual, more successful, less emotional, all the things. Just the overwhelming feeling that you can exhale. Because perhaps for the first time in a really long time, you're just being loved and held as you rather than tolerated for who you're pretending to be. And the thing that I find really beautiful is that the women who eventually find Richie Wu often tell me that that's exactly how they feel. They'll say things like, I finally found my people, and that always sparks a little emotion within me. And it's not because we all believe exactly the same things, or because we all practice spirituality in exactly the same way because we don't, you know, but it's because there's a shared permission there to be curious, to ask bigger questions, to embrace the weird and wonderful parts of ourselves and stop apologizing for being fascinated by things that other people just simply don't understand. And that doesn't mean that everybody outside of this community is wrong. Of course, that's not what I'm saying. It just means that you found a place where you don't have to keep explaining yourself, where you really can be you. And I mentioned earlier about how now I try to embrace all of me as much as I can, and I will openly call myself out for being a little weirdo, and you know, really embrace those weird parts of me because I do now love the weird parts of me, and I remember how difficult it was when I first kind of came out publicly as a witch. It was something that took me a long time to build up to. I think a lot of it was because of my Catholic upbringing, so going to church every Sunday, going to Catholic schools, going to Sunday school, and obviously, witchcraft is not the best thing when you grow up as a Catholic. You know, it is considered to be evil to be satanic and all those things. So it was really difficult to come out and say, look, I am the person that the people that I grew up with feared. I am now that person who we are told not to be in Catholic school as we're growing up. But I had a much, much warmer reception than I ever could have imagined. I'd imagine, you know, pitchforks and all these things. But actually, when I really truly bared myself and came out as a witch, there were, of course, a couple of family members who were concerned about me, and it was from a place of love. But on the most part, people loved it and accepted it. And of course, as we know, people spend far less time thinking about us than we think they do. It was, you know, a nothing really to them. It was, oh, that's great, good for you. And to me, it was a massive deal. It was me taking that first step to say, This is me, this is who I really am. You can take me or you can leave me, but I'm no longer willing to adapt myself to fit what you want, and that in itself is so incredibly powerful, and it really can change your life. So I highly encourage it. And if you are sat there feeling that this episode has really resonated, then I would love to hear from you at any time. I always love receiving messages, receiving emails. Please know that you can reach out to me at any time. You can email me, Kylie at witchywoo.net, you can send me a friend request on Facebook, Kylie Anna. I would love, love, love to hear from you. And until the next time, I'll speak to you soon.